can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
