DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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