you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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