someone get that fucking seahorse.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
