I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
