Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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