I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
