On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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