the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
