He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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