I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I need water and some morals
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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