Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
