I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
