I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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