it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
