One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
