sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves