My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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