and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
