i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
