Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I seem to have left my pride at pride
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
