Umm I'm too high to move.
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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