i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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