he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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