Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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