Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
