you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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