I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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