why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
