i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
