dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
