I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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