god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
