In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
