I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
