Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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