and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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