What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
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THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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