She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
