Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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