I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
