I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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