Someone shit on the floor
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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