just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I stole a fireplace last night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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