It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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