so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
