the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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