I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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