my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
