Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
