Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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