I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
