So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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