**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
