I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
