worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
