dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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