she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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