I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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