I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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