she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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